If you’re struggling with a mood disorder like depression or anxiety, it’s tempting to want to keep yourself isolated.  It’s easy.  There’s no pressure involved.  It seems comforting.  It feels like a solution, albeit a temporary one (“I don’t want to see anyone, so I won’t – problem solved!”) and it’s easy to talk yourself into what feels safe.

          As tempting as it may be, it’s important to remember that isolating yourself never actually makes you feel better.  It may feel like a quick fix, but it’s not a solution.  By staying isolated you keep yourself from developing more effective coping tools for handling your mood disorder, and you end up perpetuating a cycle of isolating behaviors that keep you running in place rather than moving forward.
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          It can be difficult to challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone, but remind yourself that no one grows by staying comfortable.  It’s a willingness to make a change – to sit with feelings of discomfort – that creates room for growth.  In other words,

          “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

          If you’re feeling unsure of how to make a change, the following suggestions may be helpful in getting you started.  Don’t feel the need to make any huge, drastic changes: baby steps can add up to big progress.

• It Starts at Home:  If you feel overwhelmed at the prospect of even leaving the house, start small.  Reach out by making a phone call to a friend or family member.  Send an email or a text message.  Ask a friend of family member to visit you at home for a cup of coffee, to watch a movie, or to have dinner.

• Find a Community:  Finding a support group or community – either online or in your area – can help you feel more connected and less isolated.  The Anxiety and Depression Association of America and the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance both offer online resources and support.

                           Anxiety and Depression Association of America
                           Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

• Keep it Low Pressure:  Challenge yourself to spend some time in public places that don’t require much interaction.  Read a book in a coffee shop.  Go for a walk in the park.  See a movie.  Push yourself to spend some time outside and in public spaces.

• Make an Appointment: Set a specific date, time, and place to meet someone.  It can be easy to talk yourself out of getting out of the house, but if you schedule something specific, you’re less likely to make an excuse – nor will you want to disappoint the person you’re meeting.

• Keep Going:  Don’t get discouraged if you feel overwhelmed.  It’s okay to start small – you don’t have to run out the door and sign up to lead a book club or start a class in public speaking.  Try setting some small, manageable goals that will keep you challenged.  Check in with a friend or family member every few days.  Schedule a weekly trip to the park or your local coffee shop to catch up on some reading.  Remember that it’s only through challenging yourself that you can expect things to change.

        We tend to be our own worst critics, spending more time judging ourselves for the mistakes we make than we spend on finding solutions for moving forward.  We get trapped in a cycle of self-loathing and self-criticism: we make a mistake, we berate ourselves, and succumb to feelings of failure and hopelessness.

        While we may not always feel we deserve to ‘cut ourselves a break,’ by offering ourselves a bit of self-compassion we can learn to break that cycle, and with time, we can re-train our brains and become our own biggest cheerleaders, instead of our biggest critics.

Re-Training Your Brain

        Over time our thoughts forge typical thought pathways in our brains.  Think of a sled in the snow.   We start with a fresh snowbank, but after a few trips down the hill, we’ve left tracks.  The sled will naturally gravitate towards these routes, rather than forge ahead through new snowbanks.  Like the sled, your brain follows the path that has been laid out for it – the path of least resistance.

        The good news is that our brains are remarkably adaptable.

        ​What we learn, we can unlearn.

​        In the words of Psychology Today, “The brain is not hardwired, but plastic. Dendritic and synaptic connections have been demonstrated to rewire themselves via experience, and, most intriguingly, through mind training.”

        In other words, with time and effort, we can re-train our brains to work for us, rather than against us.  The tools and suggestions below will help you get started.

Trading Criticism for Compassion

• Stop & Question: A good place to begin is by simply asking yourself, “What would I tell my child?” or “What would I tell a friend?”  Practice offering yourself the same empathy and compassion.

• Start a Dialogue: Catch yourself when a negative thought creeps in, and start a dialogue with your inner critic.  Is this thought based in reality, or is it a subjective opinion?  What proof do you have that this is the case?  Is there another way to look at the situation?

• Write it Down: Journaling may be helpful as you work through these dialogues, and help you reframe your thoughts from a place of empathy and self-compassion.

• Relax & Reframe: Try to view your mistakes as valuable learning experiences.  Isabel Foxen Duke writes, “Embrace your “mistakes” as the teachers that they are. When we judge, we miss the lesson.”

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For further reading on the benefits of self-compassion, check out the article below from Esperanza magazine:
Depression: Self-Compassion Can Change Your Life

​          When we struggle with a mood disorder we often spend much of our time in our head.  We ruminate over the past.  We fear the future.  In a rush to hit the next milestone in our lives – be it our next vacation, a promotion, buying a home – we’re rarely present in the moment.

​          We think we’re planning ahead and staying one step ahead of the game, but the reality is that by living in this “what’s next?” mentality we end up missing out on actually living our lives.  We forget that life is lived in the in-between moments: brewing our first cup of coffee in the morning, kissing our partner goodbye in the morning, walking from our car to our front door.

​          We write these moments off as stepping stones that get us where we really want to be, and forget to be present in our own lives.  The reality is that we cannot control the future, no matter how much we plan and prepare.  The moments we spend in anticipation, anxiety, and worry do nothing to change what tomorrow will bring.  Practicing mindfulness can help us stop living in the past, and keep us from living for a future we cannot predict.

​          Life will continue to surprise and challenge us.  No one can guarantee that every moment will be thrilling, joyous, or full of satisfaction, but we can challenge ourselves to live them – to be present for them.  We can learn to say goodbye to “what is next?” and embrace “what is now.”

​          The tools and exercises below will help you practice being present, and mindful, encouraging you to find enjoyment and gratitude in each moment as it comes – regardless of what lies behind or before us.
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Mindfulness Exercises

• Find & Embrace a Mantra: When our thoughts begin to race and anxiety begins to rear its ugly head a mantra can help us slow down, and hit the reset button.  Find one that resonates with you and repeat as necessary.  Some effective mantras may include:

 
                         Be here now.
                         Be present.
                         One thing at a time.

• Check In: Taking a moment to evaluate where we are and touch base with our feelings can help us stay balanced.  If you feel you need some structure, try using the following format:

 
                         I feel angry that…
                         I feel sad that…
                         I feel afraid that…
                         I feel guilty that…
 
                         I feel happy that…
                         I feel secure that…
                         I feel proud that…
                         I feel grateful that…

• Sensory Check: Name five things you can see, hear, smell, and feel.

 

• Breathing Exercises – Combat Tactical Breathing: This breathing technique – used by the military, athletes, and first responders – is an excellent way to reduce your levels of anxiety, gain control, and manage your stress. Find a quiet spot where you can sit or rest comfortably without being disturbed. Bring your attention to your breath.

 
                         Breathe in comfortably to the count of four.
                         Pause and hold the breath (again, comfortable) to the count of four.
                         Exhale slowly and forcefully to the count of four.
                         Take at least three to five breaths as described above, visualizing each number as you count.

• Stretch: Take a few minutes to connect with your body.  Moving slowly, note any particular areas of tension, and breathe deeply into the stretch.

​          Experiment with different mindfulness exercises, and find what works best for you.  Challenge yourself to be here now.  In the words of Eckhart Tolle, “In today’s rush, we all think too much – seek too much – want to much – and forget about the joy of just being.”  Let yourself be.  It is enough.